The Crazy Cullens
by AnEmotionalVampire
Summary: My first Twilight fanfic. Emmett is a Harry Potter fan, Holidays are coming up and the Cullens just go nuts. Many different themes for each chapter! please review? *Complete*
1. “Don’t Call Me Cedric!”

** Author's Notes Part 1:** First Twilight Fic that I'm releasing. I've been reading a lot of Twilight fics and found some pretty darned funny ones around, They've been my inspiration. I got the idea for the first part after watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and A Very Potter Musical (found on YouTube), I even snitched a few lines from it. You know, I often wonder if actors/actresses/authors read fanfics of the movies they've been in or books they've written to see how fans play with their characters. Anyways, please read and review! The more you review, the faster I get stuff out! They encourage me to write!

**Author Notes Part 2:** I just want to say that I'm going to play around here and just have fun. Some of them will do things out of the norm, and you'll be like "Uh… sure! Whatever floats your boat!" Oh… yesterday, we had the typical Pacific Northwest weather: Windy and Rainy. I'm so glad Summer is almost over! (This was just for rambling purposes!)

**Disclaimer:** Everything and everyone belongs to their respectful owners. I'm just borrowing them for my own amusement.

**The Crazy Cullens**

**Chapter 1**  
"Don't Call Me Cedric!"

"Hello Cedric!" Emmett said to Edward as he walked past his brother and into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and peered inside it, although he didn't eat human food, but it did make him feel like a normal teenager. Emmett could hear Edward growl. Ever since Emmett had seen Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, he had been calling Edward 'Cedric' because of the uncanny resemblance between the two. Edward hated it. He hated it even more since Emmett would watch it only when Edward was home.

"Call me that one more time and you'll regret it." Edward said, growling, clinching his fist.

"Hey, Edward! You're a Hufflepuff!" Emmett said and Jasper pounced up out of no where, grinning.

"Hufflepuffs are a particularly good finders!" Their other brother said. Edward was pulling at his hair and couldn't understand what a Hufflepuff was.

"What the hell is a Hufflepuff?" He asked, curiously and Jasper and Emmett looked confused themselves. What WAS a Hufflepuff? It sounded something like on Winnie the Pooh. Or was that a Heffalump? Oh well, it didn't matter because just then everyone came home and Alice had a vision and gathered everyone in the living room.

"I have foreseen…" She said in a deep mysterious voice and everyone groaned. "I have foreseen…Halloween!" Everyone looked excited except for Esme and Carlisle. They didn't really care for the holiday, especially Carlisle since he worked the double shift when children got sick from too much candy or had an allergic reaction to something they shouldn't have eaten and Esme didn't like the mess her children left after the holidays. And every year, Emmett always forgot that he couldn't eat and ate tons of candy before throwing up. "I have foreseen what we're going to be."

"What is that?" Jasper asked as Edward's face paled even more.

"No…no…anything but that!" He said, after catching a glimpse of the vision and Alice grinned. "NOOOOOOO!!!" Edward fell to his knees, burying his face in his hands. "I am NOT going as Cedric Diggory!" The whole house erupted in laughter at Edward's misfortune. "Carlisle, Esme, please daddy? Please mama, don't make me!" Edward, losing all composure clung to his parents legs, whimpering. Jasper, finally taking pity on his brother, sent waves of calm over to him as Carlisle helped the boy up and took him to his room.

Carlisle laid the boy down on his couch, bed, thing… and covered him up with a throw blanket, though he knew he didn't have to. "There, Edward. Just relax. You don't have to do anything you don't want." The doctor said and he suddenly wished that vampires could sleep. Edward let out a big yawn and closed his eyes. "Edward, vampires don't sleep. You know that, right?"

"This vampire does." He said. "I find it relaxing." With that he fell asleep. Carlisle just stared at his son and got up, turning off the light and quietly shutting the door. He went downstairs and told Emmett to shut up about Edward being Cedric Diggory for Halloween.  
"Ced…Edward is sleeping." Carlisle informed his family and almost called the boy Cedric. In the background Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was playing and Emmett gathered his family around and pointed to Cedric.

"See! See, Edward looks like Cedric Diggory!" He said, pointing, jumping on the couch. The Cullen's gaped and watched as Cedric Diggory was just Avada Kedavra and fell over dead. "I want a magic wand! Oh can I have one!?" He asked his parents who just looked at him like he was insane.

"No, Emmett. You may not have one. Harry potter and magical wands are not real and Edward is not Cedric." Esme said and Emmett's face fell. "Now why don't you all go hunting. I'm going to check on Edward." The family left Esme to hunt for food. On the way out she could hear Emmett singing a silly song from YouTube and decided right then and there to block Emmett's account for a week. After checking on Edward, she settled down, picked up Lord of the Rings and started to read from where she left off.

"STOP CALLING ME CEDRIC!!" Edward woke up, screaming. He ran a hand down his cold face and decided he needed to hunt and left.

Coming soon: Cullen's Crazy Halloween


	2. Cullen’s Crazy Halloween

**Author Notes Part 1: **This chapter was extremely difficult for me to write. I written a whole page and half, re-read it and hated it. So this is why this chapter is short and I would GREATLY appreciate any ideas for Thanksgiving. Please enjoy this VERY short and hopefully hilarious story. Oh, I also get distracted by Facebook, farmtown, other Twilight fanfiction, um.. The news and weather… ADD to the max!

**Chapter Two**  
Halloween with the Crazy Cullens, oh and Bella.

Edward was a very unhappy vampire indeed. Somehow Alice managed to get him to dress up as Cedric Diggory for Halloween. Somehow, she managed to get Bella to dress up as Cho Chang. Neither one was happy. Bella wanted to go as a Greek Goddess and Edward just wanted to stay at home and play on his piano! Why did Alice always get her way?! Who cares if she could see the future.

"No fair." Edward muttered, folding his arms, pouting and Bella tried to comfort him.

"You know, Since Alice practically forced you to be Cedric tonight, I think we should have a bonfire to end the night and burn some of her best outfits in revenge." Bella said. In the backseat, Alice's face paled and she cried dried tears into Jasper's chest and everyone else just gapped at the evil, but brilliant idea that Bella just thought of.

"No!" Jasper suddenly cried out. "Absolutely not! You are NOT BURNING MY ALICE'S CLOTHES!" Things were quiet in the car after that and Alice still whimpered. Obviously she had seen that they would be burning clothes later that night. Jasper rubbed her back, sending her soothing, calming waves to calm her crying down. She let out a tiny hiccup.

"I thought vampires don't hiccup?" Bella asked, sitting in the front seat.

"Well, this vampire does!" Alice said, quoting Edward from a few weeks earlier. Edward smirked and parked the car on the side of the road and they piled out.

"Time to trick or TREAT!!" Emmett said, holding his pillowcase, going to the first house. He was dressed as a very realistic medieval vampire, against everyone's better judgment, but once Emmett has an idea in his head, he goes through with it. Rosalie, dressed up as a Renaissance princess, joined Emmett. Alice was a pixie fairy and Jasper wore his Confederate uniform. Someone should've told him the South lost, he was still obsessed with the Civil War, even though, you know, the south lost, the north won and over 600,000 people died. (That's your history lesson, your only history lesson in this story. I'm a Civil War freak. It's my favorite thing to study. And this is the only author interruption in the story. ONWARD WITH EDWARD!)

Edward led Bella a few houses down and went up to the door and rang the bell. A few moments later, a 14-year-old girl answered the door, looking bored, holding out candy. When she saw Edward, her eyes popped open.

"OH MY GOD!! IT'S CEDRIC DIGGORY!!!" She screamed in a high pitched, fan-girly way. "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S CEDRIC DIGGORY! HE'S REAL!!" Edward eyes were wide and the girl calmed down enough and looked at Bella. "and who are YOU supposed to be? Cho Chang?" Edward growled, grabbed a fist full of candy and left with Bella. "OH MY GOD, CEDRIC TOUCHED THE BOWL! OH MY GOD! HE TOUCHED THE BOWL!"

"That girl needs mental help." Edward said and went to the next house. The fan-girl, and even a fan-guy thing went on for almost the whole night and Edward finally had enough after two hours of trick or treating and being harrassed by people. He found his siblings and dragged them to the car.

"We. Are. Going. Home." He said, gripping the steering wheel hard. He turned on the car and left for Forks. "Alice, you're going to PAY for tonight."

Back at Forks, Carlisle and Esme were snuggled on the couch, watching a scary Halloween movie. Carlisle wasn't needed at the hospital after all and they said they'd page him if he is needed. He was glad to spend the evening with his wife and was glad that he hadn't gotten a call saying that his children were in trouble. So far, it had been a uneventful night for the parents of the crazy cullen children. Oh and Bella.

_To Be Continued. _

** Author Notes Part 2: **So what did you think? It's almost 2:30 am and I really wanted to get another chapter out. No matter how dumb, or silly or retarded it was. Now, minions…er… I mean loyal readers, please help me and give me some ideas. I have a few things to do before Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I would like some ideas. I was thinking of stealing ideas and do a truth or dare thing, but not in the way other people do them! Yeah, Truth or Dare will be a good filler chapter. Mmhmm… Oh and I do have a little plan for Poor Mike Newton for a later chapter!

Oh yeah, Please Review if you want me to continue....OR ELSE Emmett loses his funny and edward goes bald! So kindly review.  
PS: Sorry it's short.


	3. Knocking Jasper Out

**Author Notes Part 1:** Extremely and regretfully sorry this chapter is so short. I was in the mood to be slightly serious, and a bit funny. Uh, please review. Really, I don't care because I'm gonna finish this anyways, but reviews are nice and make me happy and a happy writer is a good writer.

**Chapter Three**  
**Knocking Jasper Out**

Halloween didn't go well for Edward and he made Alice swear to never EVER do that to him again or else he really WOULD burn her clothes and make her shop from Goodwill for a week. Alice fell to the floor and screamed in horror, causing her family to run to see what the problem is. She curled up and whimpered, rocking back and forth.

"Not Goodwill, not Goodwill." She muttered over and over, trembling and shaking. Carlisle bent down next to Alice and tried to talk to her, soothing her as Jasper pounced on Edward and the two started to fight. Emmett, Bella and Rosalie were all chanting: "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

"Shh, Alice." Carlisle said, "I wont let him hurt your clothes or make you shop at Goodwill." He soothed her, rubbing her back. He was wondering what was up with these teenaged vampires. There was a loud crash and Jasper accidentally sent Edward at Bella, causing him to knock into her and into the wall. Bella cried out and everything stopped. It was nothing funny when the human got hurt. There was a whiff of blood and Jasper's eyes changed and went to pounce on Bella, but Emmett, Rosalie and Carlisle held him back.

"LET ME GO!" Jasper said, as Edward took the unconscious Bella to his room. "LET ME GO! LET ME EAT THE HUMAN GIRL!" He struggled against them and Carlisle figured if Edward could sleep then Jasper could be knocked out, leaving the others to hold the still fighting, still struggling Jasper, Carlisle went and got a HUGE syringe and filled it up with enough sedatives to knock out a horse and went to his son. He jabbed it in him and injected the drug. A few moments later Jasper went limp, eyes closed.

"My vampire children are weird." He murmured, then turned to Emmett, "Take him to his room." Carlisle discarded the needle and then went to check on Bella. He had to put stitches in her head and bandage up a sprained wrist, but otherwise she was fine.

"How is Jasper?" Edward asked, worried for his brother. He knew Jasper tried hard not to be influenced by human blood, but it was hard, very hard.

"Unconscious." Carlisle said and Edward gave him a look. "I, uh, gave him a very strong sedative." Edward was wondering why Carlisle kept drugs in the house when they didn't need any and why did Carlisle have sedatives. "Bella should be fine. She'll wake up when she's ready to."

The next morning, Carlisle checked in on Jasper and saw that he was just waking up. He went over and sat on the edge of the bed. "Son?" He said softly, knowing that he could hear. Jasper eyes flickered open. He glanced around and laid his eyes on Carlisle and sat up. "Easy, now. You had a rough night."

Everything came back so suddenly to him and he looked in horror at Carlisle. "Bella, is she…did I? Oh God… I didn't do anything did I?" He asked, running a hand through his hair and down his face.

"Bella is fine. She's at her home now." Carlisle said, "You didn't hurt her and she didn't see you go nuts. She got knocked out." Jasper sighed with relief and looked outside it was day light now. He looked at Carlisle, confused. "You wouldn't calm yourself down, so I had to knock you out." Jasper looked surprise, then looked down at his hands. "Jazz, don't blame yourself. You're doing really well, so you flipped out. It happens. You didn't hurt her. Your brothers are waiting for you downstairs to hunt. Go on go with them." Carlisle helped Jasper up and then left to let him get ready to hunt.

To Be Continued…

Again, sorry for the shortness...I just like punching these things out as fast as I can, because I have two more Twilight fics in the works!


	4. The Very Short Lived Truth or Dare Game

**Author's Notes Part 1:** It's 2:35am and I decided to update! Enjoy!

**Chapter Four  
The Very Short Lived Truth or Dare Game**

Carlisle had to return to work and Esme wanted to go for a drive and left in her car, leaving the kids on their own. It was a rainy, cloudy day in Forks, like any other day (and in every other part of Washington during that time of year). They weren't hungry since they hunted a few days ago, and so they sat around bored. They couldn't play fight in the house or outside. Rosalie and Alice didn't feel up to shopping, especially since Carlisle put a limit on the cards until they could be fully paid off. Bella was snuggled up against Edward.

"How about we play truth or dare?" Bella suggested, wondering how much trouble they could possible get into playing that game. Everyone grinned, and as if reading their minds, she said, "You can't always pick dare." They settled down around the coffee table and Edward got Bella, and Emmett a glass of water. For some really odd reason, Emmett would drink water sometimes, of course he'd throw it up, but he said it made his mouth feel good. Whatever, Emmett. Everyone knows you just miss eating and drinking human stuff.

"Who goes first?" Jasper asked and everyone pointed to Bella. Bella thought for a few moments, glad that Edward couldn't read her poor, pathetic thoughts.

"Alright then, Jasper, truth or dare?" Bella said, wondering which one he'll chose. She hoped truth. Jasper thought for a moment before deciding and Alice giggled.

"Uh… Truth!" He said, unsure if this was a safe choice. Bella looked even more thoughtful and was silent for a few moments.

"Okay!" She said, rubbing her hands together gleefully. Jasper instantly got worried at this. It was never a good thing, vampire or human to rub their hands together gleefully. "Jasper, be honest and Edward will know if you're lying. But have you ever stolen a peek of any guys in the school's locker room while changing for PE?" Everyone stared at her, Jasper's jaw dropped and Bella was grinning. If Jasper could blush, he would and Alice was staring at him waiting to answer.

"Uh… well…" He stuttered, suddenly embarrassed. "Yes." He finally confessed. "But not at Forks and not in this decade." Alice looked relieved. "It was 1984 and it was this boy named Casper… Casper Fale, he was as white and pale as us, but he wasn't one of us. I don't remember why I peeked, but I know I did get punched in the face and it broke his fist."

Emmett burst out laughing, "It was the first time you ever got suspended!" He howled and Jasper frowned.

"Truth or Dare, Emmett?" Jasper said, snippily.

Emmett grinned. "Dare!" Jasper knew that he always picked dare. "Bring it on!"

"Actually," Carlisle said, coming home early, "Don't bring it on. You know you're banned from this game." Everyone turned around. They didn't even see him coming, not even Alice. "I'm only here for a few moments. I need to get a medical book. Hello Bella, how is your head?"

"Fine. No headaches." Bella relied and Carlisle smiled, nodding his approval. He went over and looked at it. Glad to see it was healing fine and straightened up. "No more truth or dare, I mean it." There were groans all around and he went to his office, grabbed his book and left, then poked his head in. "And I'll know if you played and then I'll sell your cars and chop up your credit cards and give your money away." With that he left, skipping.

"Aww, he's such a meany poopy head." Alice said, pouting. Bella didn't say anything and they sat around dejectedly, and bored once again. What were the Cullens (and Bella) going to do. Emmett went over to the phone and called up Dominos.

"Yes, Hello, I would like to order 30 pepperoni pizzas and 45 cheese pizzas." He gave them Mike Newton's name and address and hung up. They jumped up and piled into cars and went to spy on Mike. Alice grabbed the camcorder.

**To Be Continued!!**

Author Notes Part 2: The next few chapters are "Filler" chapters until I think of a good idea for Thanksgiving. I have a few, but the Cullens (And Bella) need a life between Halloween and Thanksgiving. Read and Review pretty please!


	5. Torturing Poor Mike

**Author Notes Part 1: **I'm running out of things to say in these notes…I just like writing "Author Notes Part 1" Enjoy the chapter.

**Chapter Five  
Torturing Poor Mike**

They sat out of sight so Mike wouldn't see them when the delivery boy showed up. Alice got the Camera and aimed it towards the door, zooming in on the door as the delivery person came, with four other people, carrying the pizzas. One of them rang the bell, and a few moments later Mike answered the door.

"He…llo?" He said, hesitantly, looking at the pizza guys and The Cullens and Bella covered their mouths to keep from laughing as Mike tried to explain that he didn't order any pizzas.

"Don't play funny. You order them, now you have to pay for them." The delivery boy said. "And that's 146 dollars and 50 cents." Mike paled and called his parents to the door, explaining that he didn't order any pizzas. His parents agreed, Mike was with them all day, they recently just go home after eating out in Port Angeles. The delivery boy called up his manager on the cell and talked to him, explaining what is going on and the Newton's had to pay for the pizzas, the delivery boys left, tip-less.

"That was…entertaining." Emmett said, not satisfied by it. "We should scare him, severely." Jasper grabbed his cell phone, blocked the number and called Mike's cell. He waited until Mike picked up.

And in the most creepiest voice Jasper could do he said, "I know what you did last summer." Everyone, but Bella could hear him gasp in fear.

"W…What did I do last s…summer?" He asked, fear rushing through his body. Jasper pushed more fear on to him as he talked.

"I know what you did last summer, and you're next." Jasper shut the cell phone and by this time, Emmett was dressed as a clown. How he'd manage that, we will never know. Emmett, using super vampire speed, went into Mike's room and hid in the dark, waiting for Mike to show up. Everyone knew that Mike was afraid of clowns.

He didn't have to wait for long. Mike ran up the stairs to his room and when he turned on the lights, he screamed and collapsed on the ground unconscious. Emmett got out of there quickly when he heard the boy's parents running up the stairs. Emmett ran to the car and got in. A few moments later an ambulance drove up and the Cullens decided to leave.

"Okay, that last idea, wasn't brilliant, Emmett." Bella said, frowning. "Pizza was funny, phone call was funny, clown was not." But it didn't help, the Cullens, especially Edward were cracking up. When they got home, they piled into the house and saw Esme there.

"Looks like our fun and games are over for now." Edward said. He didn't like misbehaving in front of Esme or Carlisle. "Anyways, I'm thirsty a bit." He told Bella he'll be back and took off to get a snack.

They sat around, doing nothing mostly. They played Dance Dance Revolution for an hour or so, then hooked up the Wii and played Mario Kart. Esme made Bella a snack and whacked Emmett on the head for trying to eat food. Emmett frowned. Bella wasn't that great at Mario Kart and she made Emmett laugh every time she fell down at DDR. Edward came back a little while later when Carlisle came home.

"Family meeting right now." He said, sternly. Everyone piled in the living room and Carlisle turned off the game and TV. "I want to know every single detail of your afternoon." The grownup kids and Bella all looked at each other. "and I want the truth!"

No one spoke for a few moments and Edward could tell that Carlisle already knew what they know. Finally, Edward spoke up. "How is uh… Mike Newton?"

"In a coma. And he might never wake up!" Carlisle snapped and stared at his suddenly immature children. Jasper could feel that everyone felt bad now, horrible even. "I want to know why!" Every one pointed to Emmett.

"Traitors." He muttered lowly and Carlisle came up to his playful son and bent down, placing his hands on his shoulders.

"What did you do to the boy?" Carlisle hissed, angry. No one has seen the good doctor so angry before. "Tell me and I might not hurt you."

"I just scared him." Emmett said, "I can't help if he's a wimp, afraid of clowns." Carlisle raised his eyebrow and looked at Edward and he nodded. "That's all I did."

"You scared him half to death!" Carlisle said. "You're all lucky, he's not really in a coma, but he is scared! We had to sedate him after he woke up screaming and kicking. You're all grounded, and you can forget playing baseball tomorrow." They all groaned. They absolutely loved playing baseball and could only do so when a storm was near. "I am very disappointed in all of you." With that he went to his study and sighed.

"Poor Mike." Bella said and smacked Emmett as hard as she can, only resulting in hurting herself and her already sprained hand. "Stupid sparkly vampire!" She looked at her hand and whimpered. Edward to her to Carlisle and gently knocked on the door.

"Come in." Carlisle said softly and Edward walked in. "What now?" He asked when he saw Bella hold her hand. Edward just wanted to make sure nothing was broken. Carlisle got up and examined the hand.

"She tried to beat up Emmett." Edward said softly. A smile twitched on Carlisle's lips. "Is it broken?" Carlisle shook his head.

"No, luckily it's not." He said, "Bella, please try not to hurt yourself anymore today." He pleaded and the human girl promised that she would try not to. Carlisle told her that was all he needed to hear and sent her on her way.

The rest of the evening was quiet and Edward took Bella home.

_**To be continued…**_

**Author Notes Part 2:** A longer chapter for you! Please take a moment to review, it only takes a second.


	6. Harry Potter comes to Forks

**Author Notes Part 1:** Today was hot, here in Vancouver, Washington. It was a dreadful 98 degrees out. I really, REALLY am looking forward to fall and winter. I miss the typical northwest weather of rain and cloudy skies. By mid January, I'll be wanting summer… anyways, I just wanted to ramble about the weather. Enjoy the chapter.

Chapter Six  
Harry Potter comes to Forks

It was a big day for Emmett. He went hunting, showered and dressed in the clothes that Alice laid out the night before. Alice always laid out their clothes, except for Rosalie, Carlisle and Esme. He went downstairs where the rest of his family was at except for Edward who was in his room, sleeping because he can.

"Would someone wake Edward up," Carlisle said. "It really isn't necessary for him to sleep." Esme went upstairs to Edward's room and walked in. She went over to her son's bed where he slept, tangled in blankets. Edward was breathing softly and evenly, but she knew he wasn't dreaming. They didn't dream. Maybe he just liked resting his eyes, she thought.

"Edward," She said, rubbing his back, "Time to wake up." She was more gentler than her other children who just yanked Edward out of bed and turned on the light. Edward stirred and opened his eyes after a few moments. "Time to get ready for school" Edward sat up and ran a hand down his face. "Edward, may I ask something?"

"Sure," He said, getting up and going to the closet.

"Why do you sleep?" Esme was very curious about it, and Edward smiled as he pulled out his clothes for the day.

"It makes the night go faster," He said, still smiling. Esme laughed and smiled. "You and Carlisle are concerned about me, why I sleep."

Esme nodded, "But there is nothing to be worried about is there?" Edward shook his head and went over to his mother and sat beside her. She ran a hand through his hair. "Try not to sleep every night. Your brothers miss you. They get bored just playing together.

"I'll try not to mom," Edward promised and Esme got up, kisses his forehead and left him to get dressed. She went back downstairs to her family. Emmett was drinking Bella's Orange juice. They kept food in the house just for Bella.

"Emmett," Carlisle said, taking the carton from him and putting it in the fridge. "You hate throwing up, yet you torture yourself. Please stop." He said softly. "Now go to the bathroom, throw up and brush your teeth." Emmett sighed, but did as he was told. Carlisle just hoped the rest of the day went better. He said goodbye, kissed Esme and then left for work early. He told the kids not to be late for school.

Today was a special day at school, joining them would be the cast of Harry Potter for an assembly. Everyone was to report to the gym. The Cullens and Bella sat together in the first row.

The principal came out and stood in the middle of the gym with a microphone. "Good morning everyone! This morning we have some very special guests coming here to talk about acting. They are visiting several small town schools through out America and Canada. We are first on their stop. Please, allow me to introduce the cast of Harry Potter: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint and a special guest appearance: Robert Pattinson!" The school erupted into cheers and clapping.

Emmett whistled and waved his Gryffindor flag. "WHOOO HOOO!" He shouted the loudest, causing his family to slouch a bit in embarrassment, and the school laughed. Emmett was the class clown of the school. The famous movie people laughed.

Edward stared at Robert Pattinson and groaned. "I'm out of here." he stood to leave but the principal barked at him, telling him to sit down or face detention. Edward frowned and sat. He never once had detention. Robert looked back at him and Alice leaned over to Edward.

"Emmett was right, you do look like him." She whispered and Edward growled. Jasper sent calming, soothing waves to Edward, calming him down. Edward sighed. The assembly went on for an hour and the cast was giving out free Autographs. Emmett was the first in line, and somehow managed to get Edward to come. Edward stared at Robert and Robert stared back. The two looked almost exactly alike, only Edward was a few years older than Robert.

Edward bent down to Robert and looked him in the eye. "You look nothing like me." With that Edward straightened and left. Robert looked weirded out.

"Well, that was weird!" He said and signed something for Emmett.

"Yeah, my brother, he's always weird. In fact, he was Cedric for Halloween and the teenaged fan girls chased him around the neighborhoods!" Emmett laughed. The actor smiled nervously and finished signing a poster and Emmett left, skipping.

"I got autographs! I got autographs! I got autographs!" He sang. The Cullens kids rolled their eyes.

_**To Be Continued…**_

**Author Note Part 2: **Because of lack of reviews, I'm afraid some of the characters much suffer severally. I can't help it. So stay tuned to the next chapter! You know, I have no idea when this fic will come to an end. I'm just enjoying writing it right now.


	7. Vampires do not get sick

**Author's Notes Part 1:** This is a rare Point of View chapter! I did it from Carlisle's view point since this chapter is about our favorite doctor, (if there were more good looking doctors like Carlisle, I'd go to the doctors more often, not really but still…)

**Chapter Seven:  
Vampires do not get sick, especially Carlisle.**

**_Carlisle Point of View_**

I laid in bed, feeling very unwell, which was very unusual seeing as I am a vampire and vampires simply do not get sick. My head and throat ached, my nose was stuffy and I was just downright miserable. I sighed, letting the misery out, and just stayed in my sweatpants and t-shirt. I ran a hand down my face and my skin felt clammy, also unusual for a vampire. I closed my eyes and finally forced myself up, wondering what I had. Perhaps some new age vampire flu. Figures, just the day before Thanksgiving, I get sick. I couldn't afford this. Many people with food poisoning tomorrow was counting on me. I could only hope I had the 24 hour vampire flu.

I made my way downstairs and to the kitchen. I took out a glass and filled it up with water, rinsing my mouth out. The water actually tasted good, but I knew better than to swallow. I spat the water back out and looked up to see Esme standing there frowning.

"Sweetheart?" She said, coming up to me, "Are you alright?" I nodded, then shook my head when I saw Edward glare at me for trying to lie. "What's wrong?" I groaned. I didn't even know. I just felt sick and horrible. I wanted to crawl in bed.

"I think you need to call in sick for me." I muttered helplessly and Esme quickly became worried. Vampires do not get sick, especially me, the good doctor of Forks. I went back upstairs and laid on the bed, under the covers, feeling cold, too cold for even me. I just wanted to warm up a little. I don't even remember what it was like being sick, the last time I got sick was when I was human some 300 years ago or so. I sighed, and muttered to myself, "This sucks."

There was a knock on the door and I turned my head, beckoning who ever was knocking to come in. It was Edward and he had a glass in his hand. I sat up and eyed the red liquid. I knew it was blood, from the smell of it, it was deer, my favorite, but I made a face. I wasn't hungry, er, thirsty. Bella, Edward's girlfriend, likes to say hungry. I caught it from here. Silly human girl.

"I got this for you." He said, coming over to me and I sat up, still looking slightly repulsed. I felt too sick to my stomach, but my son made me drown the cup. At least it wasn't that cherry cough medicine, or any other medicine that so-called tasted like cherry, the children at the hospital detested and we had to fight with them to get them to take it. It was quite funny the other day, arguing with a 2-year-old to take some medicine, finally I bribed her with a ice cream, she made me eat one too but at least she took her medicine and I threw up the ice cream later. I shuddered at that thought.

"Now that Dr. Edward Cullen has made his poor, miserable patient take his medicine, Esme said you should get some rest, and I agree. Sleep does wonders" He would know. He does sleep a lot, for a vampire who doesn't sleep. "Now I know what you're thinking," The irony of it. He really did know what I was thinking, that silly mind reader. Edward chuckled, "you don't want to sleep, you want to figure out what's wrong, but see, you ARE going to sleep." I wondered what he meant by that and suddenly my eyes felt droopy. Apparently, he doctored my breakfast. So, this was what it was like, getting knocked out by drugs. Interesting… I faintly heard Edward chuckle as I nodded off to sleep.

I woke up and the shades to my room were drawn down. Normally we kept them up during the day, allowing the sunlight to come in when the sun did show it's face. Esme must've done it. I got up, wondering how long I was asleep. I padded quietly downstairs and found that the kids were in school and Esme was on the couch reading a novel.

She looked up and smiled, "Feeling better?" I paused for a moment to answer her, I still felt slightly awful, but better. Edward was right, sleep did do wonders.

"Much better than this morning." She got up and kissed me gently on the cheek.

"You feel much better as well, not so clammy and humanly. I chuckled. My wife, she's so funny sometimes. "Oh, I invited Charlie and Bella over tomorrow. It's supposed to snow too, so the kids will be happy about that." Great, not that I wasn't happy that Bella and her father were coming, it would mean we would have to eat. Everything tasted like dirt, and we couldn't digest. There would be A LOT of throwing up tomorrow. Wait, if I was well enough, I could go to the hospital and work as I did every holiday, except Christmas, since Esme demands that be a family holiday.

"The hospital said for you to take two days off until you're better," She said, as if reading my mind and I pouted like a child. She smiled and kissed me, laughing. "Oh Carlisle, you cant avoid holidays involving eating when humans come around." She was right of course, like always. Well, sometimes.

At least I felt semi better.

_**To Be Continued…**_

**Author Notes Part 2: **It's 4am and I finished writing yet another chapter. I'm getting these chapters out faster than you can hit review. Totally unfair. *pouts* Review please?


	8. Thanksgiving Day Part 1

**Author Notes Part 1:** Thanksgiving has finally arrived for the Cullens! Whooo! Poor Cullens...

**Chapter Eight  
Thanksgiving Day  
_Part One_ - Dining with The Cullens**

Thanks to Edward, Carlisle was drugged. He had slept through the night, not dreaming and if he did dream, he didn't know about it. He woke up to the smell of cooking downstairs and groaned, remembering it was Thanksgiving. He got up and went to the bathroom, taking a shower, using his favorite man-smelling body wash and shampoo and conditioner. Even vampires enjoy taking baths and showers, especially hot ones, just to feel the warmth. After showering he got out, dressed in black slacks, a blue collared shirt and a gray pullover. He brushed his hair and grinned at himself. He felt a lot better then he did yesterday. Apparently, he did have some type of 24-hour vampire flu. Hopefully he didn't pass it on to Edward or Esme. The others had enough sense to steer clear of him.

With some renewed energy, Carlisle bounded downstairs to find Bella there with Charlie already. Charlie was watching some sort of sports game on the TV with Emmett and Jasper. Football probably. Carlisle looked outside and saw gray clouds and several inches of snow. The kids would be out there playing later.

"Good morning," Carlisle greeted them, "Good morning Charlie, Good morning Bella. Happy Thanksgiving." The boys just waved him off as they were in the middle of watching, perhaps, the most amazing move of Football history, like they claim in every game. Bella greeted him with a smile and made him taste some stuffing upon Esme's request. Carlisle dutifully took a little bite of the stuffing, made a face that Charlie couldn't see and said it tasted fine. Though it tasted like dirt to him. Bella and Esme laughed at Carlisle's face. He just grinned, happy to make them laugh.

"How do you feel, love?" Esme asked him, going over and hugging him, putting a hand on his forehead. He didn't feel clammy anymore, he felt much better.

"Mmm, better." He whispered. "Much better." He looked around and didn't see his other three children and looked at Esme questioningly.

"Alice and Rose went to a movie together and Edward is outside somewhere, probably hunting." She said in a low whisper so only Carlisle could hear. Carlisle nodded. "Thinking of going to find him?"

Carlisle grinned, "When did you turn in to a mind reader?" Esme just chuckled and sent Carlisle on his way. Emmett cheered as the team he was rooting for scored a touchdown and Jasper and Charlie booed, just as loud. Bella smiled and shook her head. It was nice to see her father having so much fun.

Edward pounced back in and hit Carlisle in the head with a snowball. His eyes bright and golden brown from feeding. Carlisle frowned and turned to Edward. "Not in the house, Edward Cullen." He said sharply, but Edward could hear his thoughts and they were anything but bad and Jasper could feel his happiness. "After the game and after we eat, we'll have a snowball fight." The kids whooped.

"Except for me, I promised I'd visit Billy tonight." Charlie said, "Someone has to keep the peace. Might as well be me." They laughed and Emmett slapped his back, more gently than he normally would've.

"You are the good police chief of Forks," Emmett said and the commercial break was over and they went back to paying attention to the game.

"I'm gonna curl up and read Wuthering Heights." Bella said.

"Again?" The Cullen kids and Charlie asked, laughing.

"It's a good book!" Bella defended and concentrated on getting dinner done. She checked the turkey and took a deep breath. "Oh that smells good." She said, heavenly and checked the temperature on it. The turkey had been cooking since five in the morning and should be done. She squealed when the temperature was at the right level for it to be done. Carlisle came and took it out of the oven and didn't even breath. Vampires didn't like the smell of Human food.

"Dinner will be done soon." Esme said and Jasper and Emmett groaned, knowing they'd have to turn off the TV soon, but cheered when they remembered they were recording the game. Soon everything was ready and they were taking plates of food. The Cullens took less than Bella and Charlie. And they ate. Emmett couldn't help but make jokes, causing everyone to laugh. Charlie was finally getting a inside look of the Cullens and they weren't bad. He had no idea what Billy was going on about.

_This is great. The food. Esme and Bella out did themselves. So wonderfully done. I think I might've died and gone to heaven. _Charlie thought. Edward smiled to himself as he choked down some stuffing. He was glad that Charlie was enjoying himself.

**_To Be Continued..._**

**Author Notes Part 2:** Only 8 reviews and i have 8 chapters. I dont know if you guys deserve any more chapters. It's quiet sad. Yeah, I know there isn't funniness now. but there will be soon! I just took a funny break.


	9. Thanksgiving Day Part 2

**Author's note part 1:** This is a very short chapter. I apologize in advance. I had a REALLY rough time writing it. I just want to get it out. I have the next batch of chapters planned out so it shouldn't be too hard. Again, I apologize that this is so short. I fiddled with many different ideas and came up with this one. Enjoy.

**Chapter Nine****  
Thanksgiving Day  
Which by the way, has nothing to do with thanksgiving (it's just on Thanksgiving day).  
Part two - Emmett Makes Brownies**

Emmett was in the kitchen baking brownies. He got out a glass bowl, a box of brownie mix, two eggs, the oil and a measuring cup. First he emptied the bag of brownie mix in the bowl, then the eggs. Carefully, Emmett measured out the proper amount of oil and dumped it in the bowl and put the proper amount of water in the mix and started mixing it together. After it was all mixed up, he greased the pan and put the batter in the pan. He put the pan in the oven and timed it for thirty minutes, then cleaned up his mess.

For the next thirty minute, he sat in the living room, playing video games. Need for Speed was one of his favorite games. Any games about racing he liked. He mostly liked racing against Edward. Edward was in his room sleeping and Carlisle was trying to talk sense in to the immortal 17-year-old vampire. Emmett could tell that Carlisle was getting worried. Edward never slept before. Not until he met Bella.

"WHOO! TAKE THAT YOU STUPID COP!!" Emmett yelled as he just escaped from another cop on the game. "Whoo!"

"Last Lap." The voice on the game said and Emmett grinned as he raced. He finished the lap, winning since he is using the McLaren F1. A sports car that can go up to 240.1 mph. It was a car that Edward and Rosalie wanted but Esme and Carlisle put their foot down and said absolutely Emmett sighed and ogled the car a bit before playing a few more rounds. Then the oven went off.

He jumped up and ran to the kitchen. He put on lobster claw oven mittens and took out the brownies and allowed them to cool as he went back playing.

Esme came into the kitchen and looked at the brownies. "Emmett, sweetheart, dear?"

"Yes?" He said, not taking his eyes off the game.

"You're supposed to crack the eggs and discard the shells." She said, holding in laughter because she didn't want to hurt his feelings.

"…Oh…" He said. "Well… give them to Bella."

Bella looked up from her book, Wuthering Heights, from the couch and made a face. "No, thanks." She said without even looking up. Upstairs, Rosalie and Alice were laughing. Charlie had gone home hours before.

**_To Be Continued…_**

**Author Notes Part 2:** Yeah, that's right. Don't review. I don't need them anyways. I'm gonna finish this with or without reviews.


	10. Rosalie breaks a nail

**Author Notes Part 1:** Ah! Another Chapter! Enjoy it! I still enjoy writing these pointless notes.

**Chapter Ten****  
Rosalie Breaks A Nail**

It was a nice December day. The sun had decided to show itself, meaning the Cullens had the day off. It had been cloudy and rainy, sometime snowing or raining. Edward was playing the piano. Carlisle and Esme were in their room relaxing. Jasper and Emmett were wrestling, and Alice was online shopping for spring and summer clothes. Rosalie was sitting down in her room, reorganizing her closets while one of Edward's CD's played. Edward would record some of his music on to CDs for them, Rosalie found some of his music upbeat enough to work.

Happily and humming along to the music, Rosalie put her clothes by how good they would look together, unaware that a very tragic event was about to occur. Just as she was picking something up, she felt and heard a crack, more like a snap. She looked down at her fingers in horror as she examined one of her nails.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" She screamed much like when Obi-Wan screamed when Qui-Gon got ran through during Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, while fighting Darth Maul on Naboo. Only she wasn't screaming because someone she loved died, she was screaming because she broke a nail.

That's right, Rosalie Hale broke a nail. She sobbed tearless sobs as Alice came running up and hugging her. Vampire nails do not grow back and Rosalie had these nails since she was changed. Everyone else but Edward came running to see what was going on.

"BABY!! ROSIE BABY!" Emmett said and hugged her tightly. "It's okay, your big teddy bear is here." Rosalie just sobbed harder in to Emmett's chest. "Shh." Jasper sent out calming waves, even though on this inside he found this hilarious. Downstairs Edward was playing louder to drown out his laughter.

Carlisle and Esme left once they realized it was a broken nail. Jasper left too with Alice and left Emmett to deal with Rosalie. Jasper decided to cheer both of them up and sent a giant wave of lust to them.

During the whole…uh… "cuddle" session, Rosalie was still depressed about her nails. She knew Alice or Esme would have to fix them. Fix meaning clipping the nails. She broke out in to fresh tearless sobs. Emmett rubbed her back.

"Sweetheart, if you stop crying, I'll buy you a new car. A fast car." This caught her attention. She knew Emmett wanted her happy.

"What sort of car?" She asked, looking up at him.

"A McLaren F1." He said and she broke into a wide smile, stopped her crying and hugged him. A few doors down, they heard Esme and Carlisle sighed and the two laughed. "I'll get it as a soon as possible." He said, promising. Though they both knew it could take a few months, but Rosalie was happy. She was getting a new car! She, like Edward, LOVED cars. Especially fast cars. The two hot passionate monkey lovin' love.

Rosalie sighed and laid in his arms and whispered softly. "My monkey man." Emmett laughed and kissed her forehead.

"I'm hungry." He said. Rosalie punched him.

_**To Be Continued…**_

**Author Notes Part 2: **Funniness is back!


	11. Edward Misplaces Bella

**Author notes part 1: **No notes today!

**Chapter Eleven**  
Edward Misplaces Bella.

"Has anyone seen Bella?" Edward asked, searching the house. He had set her down somewhere and couldn't remember, unless she wandered off. Hopefully that wasn't the case. He knew Bella had the ability to get herself hurt in a heartbeat. No one knew where she was.

He lifted up the couch cushions and looked under them. Nope. No Bella. He checked under beds. Nope. No Bella. He checked the pantry and again, no Bella. He even lifted the lid to his piano and looked inside. He sighed and was starting to get aggravated. Where the hell was his Love at!? He ran around the whole house, and outside. Finally, he decided that she went home or went shopping with Alice and Rosalie. He went and played his piano, thinking and then stopped. He pulled out his phone and text Alice.

"Alice?" He text and sent, waited for a reply.

"What?" The reply came. "We don't have Bella if you're wondering." Edward stared at his phone. If they didn't have Bella, then Bella was home! An alarm went off saying he had another message, it was Alice again.

"And no, she's not at home." Edward looked sadden at the news and cursed at his phone, putting it away. I growled. Where was my BELLA?! Once again I got up and searched the house from top to bottom.

Edward hurried to his mother, who was outside gardening. "Mom, have you seen Bella?" He asked frantically. Now see, if Edward had decided to breath today, he would've been able to smell the human girl, but being a vampire, he decided to go a whole day without breathing.

"No, Edward, I have not." Esme said and the boy bounded away. "Perhaps she went for a walk or something." Yes! Perhaps that was it. Edward seemed satisfied on that and went to play his piano. Bella would be back soon. He was sure, so he played her lullaby.

Down the hall, Emmett was singing, "CHO CHANG! I AM SO IN LOVE WITH CHO CHANG. FROM BANGKOK TO DING DANG. I SING MY LOVE OUT LOUD FOR CHO CHANNNNNGGGGG!" Edward banged his head on the piano. He wished his silly brother would grow out of the Harry Potter addiction. It was as worse as the time where he thought the Enterprise were real and searched the stars with a telescope for it, or the Borg.

Edward sighed. For some reason he knew Bella was close by. It was as if he could smell her. But where? He finally screamed and ran out to hunt.

_**To Be Continued…**_

**Author notes part 2:** Mmm Teddy Graham makes the world a happy place. Oh yeah, the song that Emmett is singing is from A Very Potter Musical...


	12. Carlisle Finds Bella

**Chapter Twelve**  
Carlisle Finds Bella

"What's wrong with Edward?" Carlisle asked after settling in from a long, hard day of work in the hospital. Jasper and Emmett were laughing at Edward and his frustration. Jasper had tried to calm Edward down but it wasn't working.

"He misplaced Bella." Emmett said. Carlisle blinked, wondering how could someone misplace their girlfriend. Especially one as sweet smelling as Bella.

"And where is Bella?" Carlisle asked, though he knew, he could smell her. The boys shrugged and Carlisle sighed. "Tell me where Bella is at or I'll give your games and game systems to the hospital."

"Aww, daddy!" They whined and Carlisle looked at them, rolling his eyes and walked away. It wasn't often that they'd called him "Daddy" and it usually worked. After a few seconds, he pounced on Emmett and tackled him to the ground. Jasper whooped and Emmett laughed. It wasn't often that Carlisle would wrestle, but the good doctor knew it was how he would get what he want sometimes, even if he could find Bella himself. Oh well, playing with the boys to get them to confess is fun.

During the wrestling match, they broke the coffee table and a controller. Finally Carlisle had Emmett in a head lock. "Tell me where Bella is at!" Carlisle said, holding on tightly.

"Dad…dad, she's in a closet" Emmett said, finally giving in. Carlisle let go and stood up, smoothing out his clothes.

"And why is she in a closet?" He asked and Emmett and Jasper ran off before answering. Carlisle went to the closet in which Bella was in and found her asleep, curled up in a pile of Alice's clothes. He went over and bent down, gently shaking her. "Bella, Bella, what are you doing sleeping in a closet?"

Bella looked around and shrugged. "Edward probably misplaced me. Silly vampire." Carlisle laughed and took her downstairs.

_**To Be Continued…**_

**Author Notes Part 2:** My cat likes teddy grahams. Weirdo. Also, did you like the invisible author's note at the beginning? I thought you did.


	13. Forks' Food Fight

**Author's Notes Part 1:** It was a great day! Nice, cloudy and rainy! Too bad it's not going to last. Enjoy the chapter.

**Chapter Thirteen**  
Forks' Food Fight

It was a typical, rainy afternoon in the great Pacific Northwest in the great and glorious state of Washington in the upper peninsula is the great town of Forks where the kids were in school. It was lunch time and the good students in cafeteria were eating, except for one group because they don't eat. Feeling playful, the big one, Emmett, tossed a carrot at Edward who ducked out of the way and hit another kid in the back of the head and thus began the great Forks' Food Fight.

Everywhere people were tossing food, holding up trays to block the food as they try to make their escape so they wouldn't get in trouble. The Cullen kids managed to escape, most of them. Emmett was still back there with Jasper fighting with food. Jasper was actually smiling, enjoying himself in front of everyone, probably feeding off of the fun and joy everyone else was feeling. Emmett was throwing food with great care, at human speed as not to hurt anyone, and laughing. He was such a big, playful boy sometimes.

Rosalie had mashed potatoes flung in her hair and she was furious and trying to contain her anger, but she picked up a piece of pizza and tossed it at that responsible, hitting Mike Newton square in the face. She smirked. Finally, payback for annoying her with several invitations for proms and dances.

"ENOUGH!!" A authoritative voice said above the noise. "Who started this?" It was the principal and he was not a happy person right now. Jasper didn't even TRY to sooth him, he had every right to be pissed off. Every single person, including Rosalie, pointed to Mike Newton, who's face fell immediately by the betrayal of his friends and school. They all knew he hadn't started it but it was easy to blame him.

The principal went to Newton and dragged him to his office to deliver his punishment, but not before warning the other students. "You're all to clean up this mess, and sing your name on a sheet before leaving the cafeteria, then I will be contacting your parents, no exceptions. That's including you Cullens!" Everyone turned to the pale-faced-everlasting-beauties and snickered. If they could blush they would.

The school go to work cleaning the cafeteria and since there was so many, it didn't take long, but they had to sign their names on the paper. They couldn't get out of it either. The Cullens knew that they'd hear it from their "parents" later.

Each one of them sighed, then Emmett grinned, "We should do that more!" Everyone smacked him upside the head.

"I'm glad Bella wasn't here." Edward said.

"Oh yeah, where was she today?" Emmett asked.

"She's got a nasty bug she caught being locked up in a closer for hours." Emmett chuckled.

_**To Be Continued**_

**Author's Notes part 2: **Although my story isn't popular, I'm already working on ideas for The Crazy Cullens 2 even though there are 7 chapters left. Review please?


	14. Library Adventure

**Author's Notes Part 1:** Enjoy.

**Chapter Fourteen**  
Library Adventure

"I dare you to." Emmett said. "I double dog dare you too." Jasper looked unsure and glanced around at his brothers and sister, and Alice, his wifey. They nodded in agreement and he sighed. He got up and grabbed his car keys and drove to the library.

After walking around the small library, he came to the history section and realized that they should donate books to their measly book collection. He picked up too books on the Civil War he hasn't read and went to a chair to read. He read everything in full detail though he knew everything about the Civil War.

He had been sitting there for several hours, reading the book and getting to the end. His family whipped out their cameras and recorded it. He jerked up and stared at horror, flabbergasted, in shock, unable to move. Of course, it was for show, to shock the other people in the library.

"WHYYYYYYYY?!" He fell to his knees, dry sobbing. "Why didn't anyone tell me?! Why didn't anyone say anything!" his southern accent seeping out with every word. "Why didn't anyone tell me the Confederacy lost to the north?!" He curled up, whimpering, rocking back and forth. Suddenly Alice was by his side, holding him and soothing him as he dry sobbed, muttering why no one told him. Several people gathered around.

"Maybe he's a retard?" A man said, "wouldn't put it past me. Lots of insane crazy people out there." Alice and Jasper heard a low growl coming from Emmett.

"He's obviously slow." A woman said. "Everyone knows the Civil War ended in 1875."

"1865." Edward corrected, growling softly. Jasper just howled more, crying and the librarian came over to them.

"If you don't stop this at once, I'm going to call the police." She said threateningly. Jasper and Alice stood up, Jasper smoothed out his clothes and walked out with Alice hand in hand. His brothers and sister shortly followed.

"You darn kids!" An old woman, about 100, holding a Karma Sutra book came up to them. "You youngins need to grow up and act your age. Why when I was your age I never in my life behaved so childish as you." With that, she took her Karma Sutra book and went to her husband, a 45 year old gynecologist. Edward shuddered.

Jasper punched Emmett in the face, "Never. Ever. Make me do something like that ever again." With that he and Alice went to his car and headed home to practice some Karma Sutra themselves. Every one of his family members shuddered, mostly Edward.

_**To Be Continued…**_

**Author Notes Part 2: **Now that you've read. Review. Or else one of the coming chapters will be tragic.


	15. Emmett Becomes A Daddy

**Chapter Fifteen**  
Emmett Becomes a Daddy

Health class was never Emmett's favorite class. He really enjoyed P.E since he could be active, and he also didn't have this class with any of his family so it seemed to drag on, however he paid attention since his last report card said he was failing and not handing in his homework. Carlisle got on his case.

"Today, we're going to practice parenthood. Every one of you will receive an egg. I have marked the egg so if it breaks and you try to replace it, I will know. Along with your egg, you'll be keeping a journal. You're to write down how you take care of it. You're to take this seriously. Those who don't, fail, understand?" Everyone nodded. Emmett looked at the egg before him and raised his hand. "Yes, Mr. Cullen?"

"Um, do we have to name the egg?" He asked in a most serious voice as he held the egg, examining it.

"Yes, you do have to name the egg." The teacher confirmed.

"But how do we know if it's a boy or girl? What if we wanted twins or triplets? What if there was an accident and the egg suddenly gets cracked. That would be a most unfortunate event, especially with my brothers around."

"Emmett, if you break your egg, you fail and I will make you repeat health during summer vacation in summer school." The teacher said threateningly, knowing what Emmett was thinking, "Even if it's your brothers fault."

"Not fair" Emmett muttered.

Later that day at home, Emmett took a shoe box and some towels and made a crib for the egg and then went down to his parents where they were lounging that night. "Esme, Carlisle?" He said, getting their attention from the novels they were reading. "Meet your grandson, Edgar McCarty Cullen." He showed them the egg. "It's a school assignment and if it breaks, I fail and takes summer school, EVEN if it's Edward or Jasper's fault."

"Well, sweetheart," Esme started, "Don't break Edgar or don't let your brothers near it. Keep it in your and Rosalie's room. And IF your brothers touch it and it breaks, they will get in trouble. Now, go finish your homework." Emmett left and went to his room.

Carlisle chuckled, "That egg wont last." Esme nodded. "If it breaks, I'll talk to the teacher about it." Carlisle leaned over and kissed her tenderly, yet passionately.

From upstairs, Emmett screams, "NOOOO!!!"

"You'd be a bad parent, Emmett, dropping your egg." Edward said, laughing his vampire ass off as Emmett sobbed. The world conspired against him it seemed.

_**To Be Continued…**_

**Author's Notes:** I am suffering from writers block… because of lack of reviews. Review and I'll continue to write. Also, thanks to those who do review. you guys are awesome. *passes out e-cookies*


	16. Portland Shopping Trip

**Author's Notes Part 1:** First of all, thanks to my loyal reviewer, Kristen123, thanks for your reviews, no matter how tiny they are. Secondly, this chapter was difficult to write. I spent a lot of time thinking of an idea and finally this came to me. Enjoy.

**Chapter Sixteen**  
Portland Shopping Trip  
_Bella's Point of View…_

Alice, Rosalie and Esme dragged me all around Portland yesterday until 7pm when I refused to do anymore walking. I wanted a few human moments such as eating and peeing and resting. I was exhausted. So they took me back to the hotel and resumed shopping until the shops closed. Now we were at a mall that was three stories and it had a ice skating rink on the bottom level where people were having fun ice skating and on the top level was the food court, a movie theatre and the arcade. I knew this by looking at the map of the mall on one of those stands. It was a pretty big mall.

The boys were going to meet us here sometime in the afternoon so they could do their Christmas shopping. I couldn't wait to see Edward. I just wanted to hug and kisses his beautiful lips. He has beautiful lips you know. And his eyes are gorgeous. Everything about him was fantastic. I sighed as I missed my Edward.

"Shouldn't they be here?" I asked, slightly worried. Alice laughed softly.

"Oh they're here alright." She said and pointed up to the third floor. "Playing in the arcade. Emmett's idea no doubt." I wanted to go up and see Edward but Rosalie thrust something at me and hold me to hold them. It was a pair of pants.

"Don't worry dear," Esme said, "Let the boys have their fun. Though I might go and see Carlisle." She said, thinking of her husband. Esme and Carlisle absolutely adore each other and have a great sense of love and belonging. It's really sweet and romantic. "You girls behave." She went to pay for her items and left to see her husband.

Rosalie just shook her head, "They don't like being away from each other any longer than they have to. Come on girls, lets finish shopping. I wanna see my goof of a husband." And so we finished shopping, paid for our items and went to find the boys.

"Give me that Edward!" Emmett said, grabbing the gun from his brother's hand and started firing at the arcade. We watched as they shot zombies and Emmett squealed, but then it flashed game over when he was suddenly killed. "Awwww, fuc--"

"Emmett Dale McCarty Cullen, I wouldn't finish that if I were you." Esme scolded him. Emmett stayed quiet and I giggled and ran to Edward, hugging him. He hugged back.

"Wanna join me for a human moment?" I whispered in his ear and he heard my stomach grumbled and glared at Alice for dragging me around without getting food. "Aw, it's not her fault. This time."

"Lets see if we can start a food fight." Emmett said cheerfully and Carlisle reached over and yanked on his ear, hard. "Or not."

"Good lad." and we laughed as Edward took me to the food court in which I got a vegetarian meal from some place.

"You should try some meat," Edward said, grinning. "Might taste good."

"Alright, I'll eat a chicken burger from Arbys." I said and he raised his brow, waiting for more. "If you eat one." he looked horrified and I grinned. I knew they didn't like eating human food. It smelled repulsive to them, and it tasted like dirt. Edward gripped the table and finally made up his mind and went to Arbys and ordered two chicken cordon blues and water and came back.

He pointed to the food and said simply, "Eat." As he unwrapped his. I took mine and unwrapped it and ate it as Edward quickly gobbled his down and took a long drink of water to get rid of the taste. After a moment, he covered his mouth and hurried to the bathroom at human's speed as I finished my food. I saw Carlisle go after him.

"That was mean." Emmett said, "You didn't invite me to watch."

_**To Be Continued…**_

**Author's Notes Part 2: **Yes, this mall is based off of a real mall in Portland, Oregon called Lloyd Center. It is one of my favorite malls. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.


	17. Happy New Year!

**Author's Notes Part 1:** Yay! This is a longer chapter. I thought you guys deserve it since I've been punching out short chapters!

**Chapter Seventeen**  
Happy New Year!

It had been a very eventful year. Edward fell in love, Jasper and Emmett both got in their need to kill by killing James, it was fun dancing around the fire like a maniac watching the nomadic vampire burn. Burn, baby burn! Emmett and Jasper had gotten too in to it and started chanting in gibberish until the smell of Bella's blood got to be too much and Jasper had to be dragged out of there by Emmett and Alice. Apparently Jasper forgot to eat before fighting, but no harm done, James did all of that.

Unfortunately, because Bella spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with them, Charlie made her attend a New Years party with Jacob and Billy Black on the reservation and so the Cullens were spending New Years together as a family.

Edward was sulking on the couch, missing his Bella-Wella. Jasper was curled up next to Alice reading "The Killer Angels" By Michael Shaara, a Civil War novel. Alice was running a hand through his hair as she looked through a fashion magazine. Rosalie was watching TV with Emmett. Carlisle was sitting on the love seat and Esme was laying down with her head in his lap and he absently ran a hand through her hair, his eyes closed, though he didn't sleep, just enjoyed the darkness. For once his children were behaving. He wondered how long that would last.

"Hey, I was thinking," Emmett said, "About the all the changes we've seen over the course of our lives." That caught there attention. "You probably thought I was gonna say something stupid, didn't you?" Edward looked up smirking, unable to resist.

"Well, yes." He said, truthfully, "You haven't really said much intelligent for a few days, so I was start…" Rosalie was on him in a second, whacking him upside the head. "Hey, Rosalie! Carlisle, tell her to stop!" It actually did hurt when vampires hit each other.

"Rosalie, please, go back to Emmett. Emmett, what were you saying?" Carlisle said, closing his eyes again. Rosalie went back to her husband.

"Nothing…" He said and watched TV. "We went from the pony express to telephones, jus the changes over the decades. In the mid and late 20th century we were promised flying cars in the 21st century. We don't have flying cars. I want my flying car. Just how…everything change. Just think, if something happens and the humans disappear we'd be the only ones left because the vampires who drink human blood will starve. Alice would have to wear the same clothes over because there wont be any humans to make new clothes." Everyone stared at him. "I mean, for some of you, you went from horse and buggy to crappy cars overnight." Rosalie patted his head.

"I have to admit," Jasper said, putting his book down, "If you asked me about cars and phones and TV in the 1800's I would've looked at you as if you grew a second head. People back then, before we had stereos, television, video games, they knew how to make their own entertainment. Parties, neighborhood picnics, events for school children. Sometimes, I miss the simplicity of living in a time where we didn't have all this technology, not often, but sometimes."

They all heard soft, even breathing and glanced over at Edward who had fallen asleep, curled up on a chair, his arm draped over the side. Carlisle rolled his eyes. It didn't matter how many times they told him, Edward would still sleep. Then he realized something, Edward would only sleep if he wasn't around Bella, so he only slept to pass the time more quickly. A small smile played on his lips.

"I'm glad for the changes we've seen, how humanity improved, how medicine improved. If I was born in this day and age, my mother would've survived, but then if I was born in this day and age, none of you would be here and we wouldn't be sparkly vampires." Carlisle said, his hand still in Esme's hair. "We're lucky in some ways and not so lucky in others." Esme, of course, wasn't asleep but she was totally relaxed.

"This is nice." Jasper said, feeling relaxed himself, even his facial features were relaxed. He snuggled his face against Alice, sighing in peace. "I wish we felt this relaxed more often." Alice rubbed his back, and knew he hasn't been this relaxed in a while. This was how the Cullens were brining in the New Year. Talking about the changes over the years and being totally relaxed.

Emmett sat up suddenly, putting down the remote. "We should do something fun. Wake up Sleeping Beauty. Lets go out hunting. One last time before the new year." The Cullens all sat up straight, agreeing with Emmett. Carlisle went over to Edward and shook him roughly. It was only in the mornings, they were more "gentle" with waking him.

Edward opened his eyes and looked around. "Mm?" He asked, "Bella here?" Rosalie threw a pillow at him.

"We're all going hunting, you included." Carlisle said and brought Edward to his feet and saw the blackness of his eyes. "and you really need to eat." Edward nodded. He did." And so, they went out and hunted.

Emmett took down a black bear. "You know, Rosalie, it's ironic." Rosalie looked at him as he wiped his mouth. "A bear tried to maul me and they end up being my favorite food." Rosalie rolled her eyes and smiled at her husband.

"You're such a goof." Emmett finished feeding and pounced on Rosalie and kissed her passionately.

"I'm your goof."

_**To Be Continued…**_

**Author Notes Part 2:** Review?


	18. Delayed Reaction

**Author Notes Part 1:** This chapter contains minor spanking and very mild cursing.

**Chapter Eighteen**  
Delayed Reaction

Alice stood at the counter in the clothing store at the mall, staring. At the cashier. "What do you mean?" She asked, seriously.

"I'm sorry, but your card, it's been denied." He said and Alice pulled out another one and it was denied. All her cards were denied. Jasper lead his wife away, who was in shock. She hadn't even seen this coming. Jasper took her home and sat her on the couch. She hadn't moved, hadn't spoke and Jasper was becoming really worried.

"Carlisle!" He called and saw his father walk in. Jasper pointed to Alice. "I think she's in shock." Carlisle raised a brow and went over to Alice. He couldn't get her to respond, and so he called Edward. Edward couldn't read her mind. It was blank. Carlisle gently laid his daughter down on the couch.

"What happened?" Carlisle and Edward asked at the same time. Jasper sighed and looked at Alice.

"Her credit cards were denied." He said simply and held her hand. "All of them, including the ones no one knew about, or supposedly knew about." Carlisle didn't know what to do. Alice didn't have any normal human vitals to take, since she wasn't human. They could only wait until she came out of her stupor. Jasper leaned towards her, whispering sweet nothings in her ear, telling her it'll be okay and once everything was figured out, he'd take her to Paris or somewhere for non-stop shopping.

Carlisle got on the phone and called all the companies. Apparently, someone called in and said they were stolen. Carlisle had to straighten it out, and it took a long time. He wondered who would've done this. It was obviously a practical joke gone bad. Then it clicked. He raced to the bottom of the steps.

"EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN!!!" He yelled, though he didn't have to. "YOU GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!" He normally didn't use foul language but he was beyond pissed. Emmett came downstairs and stared at his father. "Did you pull a dirty prank on your sister?" Emmett looked interested in his nails suddenly. "Grounded. No video games, no TV and no wrestling. And I will take you to school and pick you up. Go. To. Your. Room!" Carlisle pointed back up the stairs and when Emmett turned around, Carlisle swatted his butt rather hard, using his vampire strength, causing his grown son to lurch forward a bit and running up the stairs.

Just then, Alice sat up, "NOOO!!!" A delayed reaction.

_**To Be Continued.**_

**Author Notes part 2:** I have the rest of the chapters finished but they wont be out all at once. I might wait a few days to release the last two!


	19. Almost Dinner

**Author Notes Part 1:** Very Short Chapter. Sorry, but yeah. It's short.

**Chapter Nineteen**  
Almost Dinner

"I'm not sure this is such a great idea," Carlisle said as they drove to the humane shelter to adopt a family pet. "We're vampires that feed off of animals." He did have a point, but Alice and Rosalie wanted some kind of pet for such a long time, that Carlisle and Esme made them promise that they would be responsible for it.

It was now spring time and the snow was gone. Jasper had taken Alice to Paris for a week after the credit card incident and Emmett had disappeared after his punishment. He came back eventually and Carlisle explained to him why he got a spanking and promise Emmett a pet too. Once arriving at the humane shelter, they held there breath and went straight to the cats where Alice and Rosalie fawned over the cute kittens while Emmett saw a sad looking older cat alone and fell instantly in love.

"Carlisle" He said, "I want this one." The cat was a calico cat, about 10-years-old and he was named General Badass. He asked if he could hold the cat and cradled the animal in his arms. His mouth watered with venom at the sweet smell and he fought the urge. "No, I can't have him." He placed the animal back in the cage. "Sorry." Emmett left and Carlisle looked over at Edward.

"He got thirsty." Edward said just as Alice and Rosalie picked out a kitten and Carlisle grabs the kitten gently and put it back.

"I'm sorry," He said simply and lead his family out. "the cat Emmett picked out almost became dinner. We're not getting a pet." Rosalie became worried and went after her husband who was leaning against the wall outside with his hands shoved in his pockets.

The Cullens went home empty handed and two cats inside the animal shelter had another lease on life. Lucky them.

_**To Be Continued…**_

**Authors notes part 2:** … I has nothing to say.


	20. “I told you to stop it!”

**Final Author Notes:** This is the LAST chapter and last Authors notes. Thanks to all the loyal and dedicated readers out there that enjoyed this fic. I am working on another story right now, while pondering ideas for The Crazy Cullens Part 2. It has been a joy writing this and hopefully making people laugh. I enjoy making people laugh. I hope you enjoy this last chapter. This FINAL chapter. Don't forget to review. It's important you do or else I wont know if my crazy fans like my crazy story J Happy Reading.

**Chapter Twenty**  
"I told you to stop it!"

"STOP CALLING ME CEDRIC!" Edward bellowed at his brother and pounced on him and punched him. The two fought, and it wasn't no playing. Edward finally snapped and Emmett and him were fighting a serious fight in the middle of the living room, neither holding back. Edward slammed Emmett into the couch and Emmett jumped up and tackled Edward. The fight went on, and the living room destroyed. Neither stopped until they were both tackled by Jasper and Carlisle.

"Enough, son" Carlisle said softly to Edward. Instantly, everything felt calm and Edward and Emmett relaxed. "clean the mess up. Then we'll talk." Edward and Emmett got busy cleaning up the mess they made, ignoring each other.

_Cedric, Cedric, Cedric…_ Emmett chanted in his head, obviously forgetting that Edward could read minds until Edward pounced on him and had to be yanked off.

"Okay, this cleaning isn't going to work. Both of you sit down, what's going on?" Carlisle looked mildly angry and really annoyed.

Edward growled, "He wont stop calling me Cedric! And I've asked him a million times not to!" Jasper sent out calm, soothing waves to his annoyed, pissed off brother.

"It's just funny." Emmett muttered.

"Emmett, do not call your brother Cedric anymore, don't even think it. If you do, I'll make you stay in the guest room for a month. Understand?" Emmett nodded. "Now both of you clean up." They cleaned up the living room and tossed out the broken furniture and stuff. "Both of you to your rooms." Emmett was up the stairs in a flash, not forgetting the time Carlisle spanked him. Edward went more slowly, thinking about his Bella and how she was staying with her mom for spring vacation in Florida.

"Cedric" Emmett whispered from his room and Edward screamed. Carlisle placed his head in his hands and sighed.

_**The end.**_


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